Grieving the Child You Thought You’d Have: Parenting with Autism
When your child is diagnosed with autism - especially if it’s early in life - it can bring a mix of emotions: love, joy, pride… and sometimes grief.
Grief for the child you imagined, the milestones you expected, or the “typical” experiences you had envisioned.
This is not about regretting your child. It’s about acknowledging the feelings that often go unspoken, even in families who love deeply and fully.
Recognizing the Layers of Grief 🕊️
Grief isn’t always loud. It can appear as:
Sadness over missed milestones or “typical” experiences
Anxiety about the future
Frustration or guilt
Moments of quiet longing for what might have been
All of these are valid. Experiencing grief doesn’t diminish your love for your child; it reflects your hopes, dreams, and humanity.
Allow Yourself to Feel 💛
Suppressing grief can create stress, resentment, or exhaustion. Allow space for your emotions - whether through journaling, talking to a trusted friend, or seeking therapy. Naming your feelings is the first step to understanding them.
Separate Grief from Your Child’s Reality 🌱
Grief is about expectations, not your child. Your child is not less, broken, or disappointing - they are whole, complex, and deserving of love. Grief is about reconciling who you imagined with who your child actually is.
Build New Dreams 🏗️
Autism changes some plans, but it also opens doors to new experiences, joys, and connections. Celebrate what your child can do, the milestones you never expected, and the unique ways they show love, curiosity, and personality.
Seek Support 🤝
Many parents find relief in:
Support groups for families of autistic children
Therapy focused on grief and parenting
Online communities where feelings are validated and shared
You don’t have to navigate this alone.
Honour Both Love and Grief 🕯️
You can love your child deeply while grieving unmet expectations. These feelings can coexist. Accepting both allows for deeper empathy, patience, and resilience - for you and your child.
Parenting an autistic child is a journey full of surprises, challenges, and profound joy. Grief for the child you thought you’d have is natural, human, and valid - and acknowledging it is part of building a loving, connected life with the child you actually have. 💛
At ARK, we see and honor every parent navigating this emotional terrain. You are not alone.
